What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 03.07.2025 00:58
I was scared of men, in general
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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I write beautiful poetry .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I waited trembling.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
We were not on the streets..
It was going to be , some day.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
This is soul school!.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Would this be the day?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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But it wasn’t much.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
One cannot live in the past .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
So whats the point in blame.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
When she asked me how she looked .
So, i spoilt her more .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Ive learnt so much.
She found it foreign!.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I have no regrets .
I will be 64.
My family never makes their pension either.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I said to her
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Put me off passion for life!!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Comes on , in middle age.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I think the readers, may guess!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was very sick at this time too.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He knew the spot.
I don,t even have a pension.
What did i know ?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was seconnd youngest,
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Why did i forgive my father ?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She wouldn,t have been !
She married twice! .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was 9 years of age.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My life is so biszare .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But, we were locked up after school.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Who then, do I blame.?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We all went to grammer schools
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He resisted the act ,that day.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
(And it was in our own minds.)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Im still living with it.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She loved him until the end.
I never cut or harmed myself..
She was in good health!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
All the time i was locked up.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And i lived it daily.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.